i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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