I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She told me I should be a condom model.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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