every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
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She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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