please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
