Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
