Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
