Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
