I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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