I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
