i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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