So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
