Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
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Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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