The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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