Don't make out with my wife yet
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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