why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
