i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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