If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
