Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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