It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
