Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
