youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I did not marry a roomba.
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