im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
