totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
