She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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