the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
