did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
