You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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