I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
