so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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