Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
