Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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