She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
