Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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