New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
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Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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