i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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