While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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