Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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