Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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