I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
