I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
