I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
