Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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