i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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