you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
