I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
