Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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