My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
