I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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