I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
