Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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