My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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