That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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