I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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