I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
