youre lurking in front of me
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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