thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
