I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
