that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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