Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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